So, here's the thing... Last post, I talked about confessing.
Here goes, confession number one: Truth is, being an author is hard. Harder than I ever thought of or imagined. While I dream that someday I can write full time, I am really thankful that I have a day job right now. Otherwise, I would be starving and broke. That wouldn't be good. I love to eat.
Trying to do something creative brings out personal demons. You know, those insecurities, doubts, and fears of "I'm not good enough." "My writing sucks." Or worse yet, the demon of comparison, "I'm not as good as that writer." "Why can't I write like that author."
I have these demons. A lot of them and they are weighing me down right now. I am second guessing everything that I'm doing. On top of that, I didn't go to school to be a writer, sure I took a creative writing class or two, but that was ages ago. Conjunctive adverbs? What the heck?? That sounds like a disease! I don't remember all those things. The most I can tell you is noun, verb, adjective. Those things I remember. Everything else -- nada. Am I supposed to know all those technical writing things to be a good writer?
I write from my heart. I see images in my head and that's what I try to write. I couldn't tell you how to structure a sentence correctly or if something is an adverb or what. Isn't that what editors are for?
I'm a new author, I know my work isn't perfect or great, but I at least want it to be GOOD and that's what's killing me right now. The self doubt is really wreaking havoc on me... at times to the point of quitting, but, I can't. I like writing too much.
In many ways, writing has saved my life, my health, and my sanity. I can't let it go.
I feel daunted and dog tired, but I'm not giving up. I can't. Something inside me won't let me.
Where is my gut leading me? I hear, "Start over."
At this point, I have nothing to lose. I shrug and tell myself, "Why not?" I'm not sure if this is the right way to go or not, but why not try, right? I'm already reworking the covers. Why not, go back to the manuscripts and polish and rework those too?